With stolen paraphilia and a hustled up pack of cigarettes I start  my mornings like a true criminal

“Try to cook so that it will surprise a little, agreeably and astonish slightly, without shocking.”

Ok so growing up in the system cooking is not one of the things that I really had to learn. Now at 23 years old I have to cook for myself and if I ever want to keep a man.

My family has a history of amazing cooks. My mother owned her own catering company at one point specializing in Native American cuisine. one of my sister is an amazing baker, she really needs to open her own shop. And me well I can barely boil an egg on a good day.

Today I took a chance and decided to make a dish. I took chicken breast and seasoned them with salt, black peppercayenne pepper, paprika, garlic powderonion powder, dried thyme, dried parsley and fresh squeezed lime and put it in the oven to bake. I served white rice seasoned with thyme and lime juice and loaded baked potatoes and spicy corn which included canned corn, salt pepper, hot sauce, garlic powder and to finish it off pineapple upside down cupcakes from scratch.

I have never been one to be in the kitchen but I put my foot in it today. I was surprised in how well all my food turned out. Maybe there is hope for me after all.

a Continuance

i had forgotten what had made me happy. before i discover this illness and all that comes with it. i should have taken the help when it was there. now i am back in place all too familiar. i have tried it many different ways none have worked. so i am trying to think of something that might. so i am trying this angle out.

Back the Basics

When nothing your doing is making things better you can always look back at one point in your life when you were at you’re best. what where you doing then? why was that the high point in your life? For me it was when I was swimming, reading, writing,walking,and in some way sane. Its time for me to go back to the basics. and the thing i know best. thats how i will come out of this. but i can do this and am ready.


My windowless soul
Upon the hands of a tortured mind
In my twisted cynical world
Thoughts streaming through
An unstable mind
Trapped alone
On this constant rollercoaster
Of emotion
I try and try
Struggling to break free
Of these iron chains on my mind
I scream and scream
For the madness to end
To free myself
But no one seems to
Hear me
Or maybe my screams
Don’t exist at all

One’s first love is always perfect until one meets one’s second love. Elizabeth Aston

My life is so complicated beyond belief. You must be a strong person to walk in my head, to deal with what I deal with on a day to day. Not saying that others people
are not worse but I really have fucked up and twisted life. Right now I am in
love with a married man. Before you judge me hear me out. Not all mistresses
are out to ruin someone’s happy home. That was never my intent. I was attending
a vocational school in Southern California when I met this man. I remember the
day like it was yesterday it was a warm day in December. A Thursday to be exact,
the day after my 23 birthday. I had just gotten off the public transit and was
walking into the courtyard to smoke when I realized that I was out of
Newport’s.  I looked up I saw a young
male smoking; I raised my hand to guested to him asking if he had a cigarette.
He nodded so I walked over. As I got closer I started to notice him. He was 6’1
with a strong athletic build, beautiful light brown skin. I stood next him and
accepted the cigarette. Newport 100’sjust like me. We introduced ourselves to
each other and engaged in small talk. He was so easy going and funny. After
finishing my cigarette I thanked him and told him that I had to go to class but
nice meeting him. I walked away with this golden Adonis imprinted in my mind.
The next hour dragged on, my teacher was droning on about something in his
usual flamboyant manner. At eleven we got a ten min break, for me it was my
nicotine fix. I ran down the stairs hoping that he would be outside and sure
enough he was. He motioned for me to come over and asked me if I needed another
cigarette of course I did. We kept on our small talk and in a rare occasion of
confidence on my part I asked him to be a client in my massage class and he
agreed. I told him the time and said that I would see him at my next break
which was at noon. I walked back to class with butterflies in my stomach.  When we met up for his massage I tried to be
so professional, but as I was massaging his legs I all of a sudden got a burst
of sexually energy. I had to ask my teacher to wave away this energy that
surrounded me and this man. I finished my massage without any more
interruptions physical or lack thereof. At the end we exchanged numbers, I told
him that if he wanted to schedule an appointment with me to call me. Now both
you and I know damn well that’s not why I really wanted him to call me.  He and I ended up texting that night and the
next day. While I was in school he asked if he could pick me and my son up that
he was taking his son to Wal-Mart would we like to come? Hell yea. So we made
arrangements to meet at my house after I got outta class. After my friend
dropped me off at my house I raced in to get my son and myself ready. He called
and told me he was outside and then asked me if I needed any help.  We went to the mall walked around talked and
ended up at Panera Bread. The more I talked to this man the more I fell for
him. He was from the east coast just like me, loved football and basketball, he
was funny had the most amazing smile. We went back to his house and it started
getting late I told him that my son and I need to be getting home soon that I
could put him to bed.  He then suggested that
I spend the night and I gladly accepted the offer. After the kids had been
bathed and put in bed it was just us. Whatever had been brewing between the two
of us let loose that night. After his lips touched mine for the first time that
was it? He was so sweet and he made me feel like no man had ever made me feel
before.  I had suffered a downfall on my
birthday I had relapsed on my cutting. Now cutting is an addiction that I have
battled with for many years in my young life. He caught a glimpse of the mutilation
that I had inflicted on myself and inquired about them. Now I didn’t want to
lie to this man but I didn’t want him to see this side of me so soon. I told
him a brief summary of my life and this disabling addiction that I have been
struggling with. He told me that if I ever did it again that he would never
speak to me again. We slept next to each other that night wrapped in this air
of new beginnings. I had never met anyone like him. And all I knew is that I
wanted more of whatever he was giving me. I spent the next night and after
a  very satisfying sex session without a
condom, I told him that he would be the only person I’d be sleeping with and he
a said same here. So I asked so this is a relationship with a questioning,
jokingly tone and he surprised the hell out of me with a yes. That was the
beginning of this affair.

At the time
that I met this man my son and I were living with a couple and another female
roommate and her son.  Now I had being
living with this couple for about two years at this point. I had met them
through a young male I had met on one of my many greyhound rides cross-country
and they had open their door and hearts to me and when got pregnant to my son.
They were good people.  After I started
dating this man things started to change. I wasn’t home very often and drama
started to unfold with me and the other female roommate. After what was a huge
fight and drama I and the couple decided to part ways or also known as they
kicked me and my son out of their home. This man was there to catch me and my
son. He held me while I cried and a tried to make some kind of sense of what
had happen. I ended up making a choice to send my son to live with relatives in
another state until I could figure out my life. My family drove to Southern California
to pick up my son. I cried and cried.
The hardest choice to make for myself and my son.  He stood by side every minute of it. Helping
me stay above water when all I wanted to do was drown in a pool created by my
tears of uncertainty.  I ended up staying
with him for the month of February.  In
that month we developed this flow. It was a constituency that I had never felt
in my life. I fell asleep beside him every night and woke up to him every
morning. I felt safe I felt a love I had never felt from anyone. But everyone
had skeletons their closet.


I knew all
about this man’s son’s mother. From what I understood he was divorced
unfortunately that was not the case. First let me tell how I found out. I found
her on Facebook (which may I say is the going to be the death of us) I sent her
a friend request. In my mind I had been spending a lot of time I with this
man’s little boy and I thought maybe I should let this woman know who was
hanging around her son on a daily basis. This came after when the little boy
called me mommy. She accepted and messaged me saying do I know you. I was a
little confused because I thought that at least he had mentioned me to her, boy
was I wrong. I messaged her telling her that I was dating this man. What came
after should have gave me enough warning to run for the hills. I received a
message telling me that she was stilled married to this man and that she was on
deployment and what a fucking home wreaker I was and how I better leave her
family the hell alone. Understandable. She also messaged him through a Gmail
account that he had.  He tried to explain
to me the situation but I didn’t want to hear it.  I then got this jealous streak in me and took
matters in my own hands. Now I am not proud at all of what I did. I was hurt,
mad, betrayed and in love. I started making fake email account and writing her
about what he was doing. I had obtained her email address from his email
account that I had gotten the password to. I ended up going through his phone
and email on a daily basis. I couldn’t stop. Well my plan was that she would
just leave him but she played the game better than I did. She took what was
most important to the man and threated to take it from him his son. Now this
man was not going to lose his son over some female he just met regard less of
how much he was in love with me. And I understood and respected that. I moved
back into the room I was renting at the time when she came home to give them a
chance to work things out. I threw myself into the last couple months of school
but two pieces of my life where missing my son and this man. It didn’t take
long before we were talking again and sneaking around having sex.  In May I made a life decision. I told this man
that I was planning on moving back home to the east coast for a year to allow
him to figure out what he wanted and for me to get my life together so that I
could go get my son. I didn’t want to be in love with this married man but I
was and it was killing me that he wasn’t truly mine.  I also had an ex that I need to see to make
some choices. I walked out his door the day after I graduated. It was
heartbreaking for both of us. He sat on the couch hands balled up, body stiff,
eyes bloodshot like he had been crying or was at least hold them back. I had
never seen him express this kind of emotion towards me. I walked out and made
my way to the Greyhound. As I pulled out of the Greyhound station tears filled
my eyes as I said good bye to my home for the past three years and to the man I
had been through hell and back with in just a few short months.

When I
finally got to the other side of the country I was met by another man. My ex
and I had scraped the bottom of the barrel together. He and I had each other
when we had nothing else. I had hustled and rode for this man for years. But as
soon as I saw him I didn’t feel the same way about him I had when I had left
three years prior. I knew that I had left my heart in Southern California with
my married lover. It only took a couple hours for me to relay this information
to my ex.  In the following 48 hours my
ex gave me more and more reasons why I didn’t belong on the side of the country
anymore and my married lover gave me more and more reasons to come home to him.

At this time in my life our story is not yet
being done written. He and I have made a choice to be together and how we are
going to make this work only time will tell. He and have this gravitational
pull to each other that we can’t seem to deny. I told him that we should end
this and he told me he didn’t want to. Now this might all backfire on me one
day and we both might burn in hell engulfed in our desires or we might ended up
freeing each other from the demons of our pasts and rise to a place only  true love can take you.

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